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Addiction, Schmediction

I’ve been obsessed with personality tests lately. From Meyers-Brigg to BuzzFeed ‘What donut are you?,’ from Kibbe Body Types to Color Seasons - I can’t stop. I think I’m looking for some sort of answer to myself - a guide, a list, a chart. Something I can follow without thinking, because thinking seems to get me in trouble. I’m indecisive; I will stand in the freezer aisle for 10 minutes, trying to pick the perfect ice cream flavor for this moment in time. I want to try everything, taste everything; I’ve not been able to settle on a career, a city, a lifestyle. I can’t seem to dig down through all the layers of “should want” to figure out what I do want. I’ve felt lost for a very long time. For my entire adult life. Some things are starting to come into focus, like I know I love writing, but so much else still feels hazy.

You can see how BuzzFeed quizzes would be helpful to a person in my situation.


It all started innocently enough. A few years back, as part of the onboarding process at a new job, I was given an Enneagram personality test. I was categorized as a Type 5. Reading through the results was spooky - I saw myself laid bare, I felt seen, I asked how did they know, I cried. I was afraid for anyone else to read the results, lest they know too much and form a negative opinion of me. Yet, as scary as it was, I also loved it. It made me hopeful. Buddha and Einstein and Stephen King are supposedly this personality type and they’ve done well for themselves!

Currently, I’m in the midst of an annus horribilis, with no end in sight. I feel like everyone I have ever loved has either died or is actively dying. I have this terrible fear that I’m going to wake up one day and be completely alone.

There’ve been other, smaller things too. Like slowly recognizing what an untenable situation I was in at my job, which I recently left. The realization that writing novels is, like, really hard and takes years. The horror of wasted years and opportunities behind me - I think this is called ‘regret.’

I’ve never been particularly in tune with my emotions. I’ve a talent for repressing things, pushing them down, or convincing myself that I feel a different way. I think this is called ‘lying to myself.’ For example, my car.

I’d been storing it at Dad’s for a year. Last December, I noticed some mold on the passenger seat. Gradually, it spread, covering all the seats and seatbelts, the steering wheel, the floors... it was everywhere. And I just couldn’t get myself to do anything about it other than fret. For nine months. Come September, I finally managed to rouse myself and spent a week cleaning it. I needed special protective gear and rented equipment from Home Depot. One day, as I wrestled the massive, heavy dehumidifier into the trunk, I stopped abruptly and I said to myself, “Wait, have I been depressed?”

So while I’ve been floundering, I got addicted to personality tests. The Enneagram gave me so much hope, gave me such a rush of good feelings - I wanted to keep that going. Chrome’s Discover feature on mobile has figured this out and keeps suggesting personality tests and I keep taking them. I’m Rory Gilmore, I’m a Frost Fairy, I’m a Glazed Donut. I saw the Lady before the Mirror so I’m Sensitive. INFP, INTJ, WKRP. I keep doing the ‘What pants match my personality?’ stuff over and over because it requires decision-making capabilities - am I Natural? Romantic? Winter? Autumn? Mountain/Stone/Earth? Sun/Mushroom/Fire? It’s frustrating - how have I lived in this body so long and have no idea what I look like?

Oh Clickbait! Please Solve the Mystery of Sunshine so I don’t have to think about it anymore! Tell me who I am and what I want so all the decisions are clear and easy and I know how to move forward and will never, ever, ever make a mistake again!


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