I want to transition to a new life. I’m not happy where I am. Stuck in a job that makes me feel helpless against the unending misery of the world, no extra money for leggings, and a car full of mold. I need a new life. Like becoming a hot bitch CEO, or a hot bitch software engineer, or a hot bitch do-gooder.
Obviously, the first thing I need to do is get my aesthetic down.
For example, I can’t be a hot bitch CEO and not wear pencil skirts and stilettos - what am I, an asshole? So Becoming a CEO Step One, I need to learn to walk in heels. Luckily I got a pair of 1.5-inch pumps from Nordies Rack last year for $60, so I can practice prancing up and down the length of my 500-square-foot apartment. Once I’ve mastered the smaller heels, I can go back to Nordies Rack and buy taller heels. (Note to self, make budget.) In order to make sure that I don’t look like an idiot at any company picnics, I should practice walking on grass - I don’t want to be the only baby in the three-legged race wearing platforms. They’ll know I’m an imposter.
However, I could look into software engineering, which would not require me to wear stilettos, since all those hot bitches wear sneakers. What I need for that job to work for me is better eyeliner game. We hold this truth to be self-evident that smart girls who have no time for your bullshit have smokey eyes and smart girls who own their sexuality wear lipstick. Since I most certainly do not own my sexuality, I will have to pretend to have no time for your bullshit. So I should look up the best drugstore eyeliners because I’m a girl on a budget and I need to experiment at the lower levels before I move up to MAC. I also need to invest some time in makeup tutorials, I’m pretty sure I have hooded, downturned eyes which creates a lot of challenges and probably requires better eyeshadow technique than I have. Crap, does this mean I need makeup brushes? Software engineering is harder than I thought it would be.
Do-gooding would be more in my comfort zone since I couldn’t wear makeup or stilettos, naturally. I feel it would involve more scarves than I’m comfortable with, however. Also, what shoes would I wear when saving the world? Sandals? Oh dear, no. I strongly believe in a covered toebox - I can’t have my piggly wigglies exposed to the elements. What if someone stepped on them, or I spilled soda on them, or I had to walk past a dead rat (I live in the city!) and then contracted syphilis? Unless I can brainstorm really hard on some viable alternatives to whatever shoes hippies wear, I think the world is just going to have to remain unsaved.
This is getting really difficult, trying to decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, what gainful employment I will have, and how I will contribute to society. What I think I should probably do now is take a break and have a snack. Maybe meditate. Ooh, or imagine myself being granted a rare interview by Oprah, since I’m a World Famous <insert job>! Or should I practice being on the couch at The Graham Norton Show, “Oh Graham! Where did you hear that story?! Hahaha! Well, I’m so embarrassed but I guess I could share if everyone really wants to hear it.”
Actually, it’s getting pretty late. I think I’ll go to bed and think on it more in the morning. Because I’m a go-getter I’ll spend some time creating boards on Pinterest documenting lewk inspiration for each job before bed.
Wow, I’m really growing up.
Obviously, the first thing I need to do is get my aesthetic down.
For example, I can’t be a hot bitch CEO and not wear pencil skirts and stilettos - what am I, an asshole? So Becoming a CEO Step One, I need to learn to walk in heels. Luckily I got a pair of 1.5-inch pumps from Nordies Rack last year for $60, so I can practice prancing up and down the length of my 500-square-foot apartment. Once I’ve mastered the smaller heels, I can go back to Nordies Rack and buy taller heels. (Note to self, make budget.) In order to make sure that I don’t look like an idiot at any company picnics, I should practice walking on grass - I don’t want to be the only baby in the three-legged race wearing platforms. They’ll know I’m an imposter.
However, I could look into software engineering, which would not require me to wear stilettos, since all those hot bitches wear sneakers. What I need for that job to work for me is better eyeliner game. We hold this truth to be self-evident that smart girls who have no time for your bullshit have smokey eyes and smart girls who own their sexuality wear lipstick. Since I most certainly do not own my sexuality, I will have to pretend to have no time for your bullshit. So I should look up the best drugstore eyeliners because I’m a girl on a budget and I need to experiment at the lower levels before I move up to MAC. I also need to invest some time in makeup tutorials, I’m pretty sure I have hooded, downturned eyes which creates a lot of challenges and probably requires better eyeshadow technique than I have. Crap, does this mean I need makeup brushes? Software engineering is harder than I thought it would be.
Do-gooding would be more in my comfort zone since I couldn’t wear makeup or stilettos, naturally. I feel it would involve more scarves than I’m comfortable with, however. Also, what shoes would I wear when saving the world? Sandals? Oh dear, no. I strongly believe in a covered toebox - I can’t have my piggly wigglies exposed to the elements. What if someone stepped on them, or I spilled soda on them, or I had to walk past a dead rat (I live in the city!) and then contracted syphilis? Unless I can brainstorm really hard on some viable alternatives to whatever shoes hippies wear, I think the world is just going to have to remain unsaved.
This is getting really difficult, trying to decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, what gainful employment I will have, and how I will contribute to society. What I think I should probably do now is take a break and have a snack. Maybe meditate. Ooh, or imagine myself being granted a rare interview by Oprah, since I’m a World Famous <insert job>! Or should I practice being on the couch at The Graham Norton Show, “Oh Graham! Where did you hear that story?! Hahaha! Well, I’m so embarrassed but I guess I could share if everyone really wants to hear it.”
Actually, it’s getting pretty late. I think I’ll go to bed and think on it more in the morning. Because I’m a go-getter I’ll spend some time creating boards on Pinterest documenting lewk inspiration for each job before bed.
Wow, I’m really growing up.
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